Funny Stuff

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

My friend Jane sent this to me. Thanks, Jane!!

Alabama
A group of  Alabama  friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter.  “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in  Georgia  was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the  University  of  Georgia  and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior at  Louisiana  was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana .” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in  Louisiana  because everything happens in  Louisiana  20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”

Mississippi
The young man from  Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in  North Carolina  had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A  Tennessee   State  trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep”, he replied.  “That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says:  ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.”

You can say what you want about the South,  but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

Our friend John sent this recently. Thanks, John!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers (and who doesn’t?), please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know… What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes..

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….

I love Brian Vaszily’s Intense Experiences web site. Today in his newsletter he sent a link to a fun little compatibility test – based on your favorite sandwich. Pick your favorite from this list, then check out the rest of the story.

• Club
• Ham & Cheese
• Turkey
• Tuna Salad
• Egg Salad
• Chicken Salad
• Seafood Salad
• Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato

My favorite from this list is Egg Salad. So now try this: ask or email your friends, family and especially your significant other or potential significant other(s) and find out which of the above sandwiches they most prefer. Then see how valid the descriptions are. Fun!

My brother sent this to me and I thought I would share… very cool. Thanks, Michael!

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee 0intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Our friend Jim sent this a while back. Thanks, Jim! :)

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The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
‘No way! No needles! I hate needles,’ the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
‘I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!’

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
‘No objection,’ the patient says.’I’m fine with pills.’

The Dentist then returns and says, ‘Here’s a Viagra tablet.’
The patient says, ‘Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!!’

‘It doesn’t,’ said the Dentist, ‘but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.’

My dad sent this a while back, hehehehe!!!

HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW YOUR CHEWING-GUM

See what happens ?

Trav sent this page – very entertaining. Thanks, dear!

15 More Images You Won’t Believe Aren’t Photoshopped

Beware, as this site can take you away into the place where time just flies by!!

Today I was looking for some articles on safe driving (for a client) and came across a site which has a collection of funny signs. I’m a sucker for these kinds of things, and some of them are really funny!!

Road Trip America: Funny Signs

We see some strange signs around here, too. When we first moved here, there were signs for “Frash Produce” and “Poduce Ahead” so now we always joke (with a southern accent) about stopping for Frash Poduce!

Today I was cleaning out my links and looked at Oddee.com and found a very funny page on their site. Warning: the first picture is pretty graphic… if you can’t joke about getting hit by a bus tomorrow, you might want to skip it. :o

Oddee.com – 15 Most Creative Bus Ads

Boy, that site makes me laugh!!! How about you?

My belly hurts from laughing over this one. So cute!!!

Our friend Mike sent this to me a while back – I thought it was worth sharing. Thanks, Puff!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

My brother sent me this very, very funny video. If you’ve ever done any kind of tech support, you’ll be able to relate to this one!!

The Website is Down

Oh and this probably isn’t safe for work, depending on your workplace!! It’s a slow site but well worth the wait.

This was sent me by our friend Jim. Thanks, Jim!!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted.

A few moments passed .. “An ambulance just drove by”

A few moments later,” Looks like the Anderson’s have company”, he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike….”

A few moments later, ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving”

“Jason is on his skate board….”

A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex !!”

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

“How do you know they are having sex ?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”

The site is in German, but the pictures speak for themselves…

Lustige Fotos, lustige Bilder

Must be in German, weiter is next, zurück is previous?

My friend Jane sent this. Thanks, Jane!! :)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” ! he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you’re gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

“Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave.”

Happy Easter!!!

:) :) :) :) :)

Trav sent me this page – it’s quite amazing! I especially like the one with the cat above the water.

Pictures Taken Just at the Right Time

It’s videos like this that make me so glad to work at home!!

Bad Day at the Office

I would say more but a lot of the stuff on there makes me speechless. :)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.”

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Thanks to John for that one!!  :)